Men are generally fixers and problem solvers. Sometimes men get a bad rap for that, but it’s not a bad thing. Men are wired that way by God.

The first attribute of God that He reveals to us in the first chapter of the Bible, (Genesis 1) is his productivity. As Creator, God does stuff; He makes a world. Making the world was work—so much so that God rested afterward (Genesis 2:2-3).

God hard-wired that productivity into Adam, putting him in the Garden to work it (Genesis 2:15). Men are hard-wired to be productive, reflecting this attribute of God.

This might drive some women crazy. But a man’s natural tendency, processing everything by trying to fix it, is actually a man reflecting the productive side of God, as he was designed to.

So here’s the paradigm shift: Yes, the person you’re talking to is telling you about a problem, because they do need you to fix a problem for them. But the problem they need you to fix is not the problem they’re telling you about.

What?!? That makes no sense at all! Hang with me here a minute.

Often, our wives, our children, or our friends don’t need us to fix the problem they’re telling us about. They need us to listen. The unspoken problem they want us to fix first is that they need to be heard.

Listening doesn’t come naturally to many men, but it’s a skill we can learn. After all, learning new skills is a huge part of being productive.

How to Really Listen to Someone so They Feel Heard

When the other person is talking, often we aren’t listening. We’re politely waiting to talk. We’re waiting for the other person to take a breath so we can jump in with our pearls of wisdom.

Next time, try this instead. Be a real listener, not a wait-to-talker. When it’s your turn to talk, reflect back to them, in your own words. But don’t reflect back the external problem, the facts of the situation they just told you about.

Reflect back the internal problem, how the external problem makes them feel. You don’t have to feel anything yourself to do this well. Just take a guess at how they’re feeling. And you don’t even have to be right! By reflecting back what you thought you heard, even if you got it wrong, you communicate that you’re trying to hear their heart. And that makes them feel heard. You’ve just solved their main problem!

Seven Great Things to Say

Here are seven examples of great things to say to solve the other person’s immediate problem of not being heard.

1. “So do you feel like …?” and take a guess at how this situation is making them feel. How would it make you feel?
2. “I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must really hurt.” You just validated their pain. That’s a massive step forward in making them feel heard.
3. “Tell me more about that.” This is a great one if you don’t know what to say to buy yourself some time.
4. “You’re really brave to face this.” This can be really powerful. Believe me, they feel anything but brave right now.
5. “You’re not a bad Christian for going through this.” Unfortunately, the enemy, and sadly other Christians, have probably told them they are. And they are probably telling themselves they are.
6. “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” It’s great to admit you don’t have all the answers. Then they don’t have to feel condemned for not having all the answers either.
7. “Thank you for sharing this with me.” Such an obvious thing to say, but it can be so powerful. It affirms the value of what they shared. It communicates that hearing their story wasn’t a burden but a privilege. And that communicates their value as a human being.

Really Listening Earns the Right to Really Help

Having solved their main problem, being heard, you’ve now earned the right to ask, “How can I support you in this?”

This is the most honoring thing you can say. You’re not taking over their problem. You’re not trying to impose your brilliant solution on them, like so many well-meaning but dishonoring people do. You’re honoring them by giving them agency.

Sometimes they know what they need to do. They just needed to be heard. And you just solved that problem, kudos to you!

Sometimes just talking it out will help them realize what their next step is. Even though you didn’t give them any advice, after talking it out with you, they suddenly know what to do. “Thank you, you’ve been so helpful!” they’ll say.

And you’re thinking, “I didn’t do anything!” But you did. You listened. You heard. That is the problem they needed solved, and you solved it.

Sometimes they will ask for your advice, now that you’ve qualified yourself as a safe person by truly hearing them. At that point, they’re actually wanting to hear your golden pearls of wisdom, which you’ve earned the right to share.