Part 4 in the Loneliness Series
Guys, loneliness in men needs to be on our radar. We’ve been talking about loneliness in this series because the epidemic is serious enough for a report by the U.S. Surgeon General. We need to recognize that we’ll see men around us suffering in this way, and we personally will eventually suffer if we aren’t intentional about avoiding isolation.
300 Hours of Togetherness
Friendships take time, so we need to take the time to develop and maintain them. Take Lew and Bobby, for example. The two men grew up together, and now, both in their 70s, they still live just a few miles apart. They have their differences, and life has often taken them down different paths, but they have been intentional about being there for one another in childhood, high school, war, marriage, parenthood, sickness, and loss.
A University of Kansas study found, “Best friendships do not emerge until after 300 hours of time spent.”
Three hundred hours equals one hour together per week for six years. We can accelerate that by spending more time together. By consistently worshipping and serving together in church on Sunday mornings, we would spend an hour with a lot of guys. We could double or triple that shared time by adding a cookout, a dinner out, a weekend trip or vacation, or being in the same small group. It’s a case for keeping small groups together over the years rather than breaking them up and starting new ones. People will come and go, but you’ll have built some consistent core relationships over the long haul if you stick with it.
The older I get, the more I realize how valuable those long-term connections are. There is no replacement for shared time and experiences, going through life together, sharing good times and challenging ones, and learning to overcome obstacles together. We have to be willing to do the time and invest.
Be like Lew and Bobby!
Find your people.
The government may recognize the problem, but it’s not primarily a government problem to solve. In the recent podcast on How to Cure the Epidemic of Loneliness by World News Group, “Loneliness is a human problem, not a government problem. Government intervention has done enough to loosen the bonds of family, church, and community. It’s up to families, churches, and communities to bind us again.”
In a digital world, in-person community is something we have to fight for. You already know I am going to recommend investing in discipleship. We are made for discipleship; it’s Jesus’ model. Guys, no matter what stage of life you are in now, you need to invest in the body of Christ – the Church. It is a way to Be the Church the Next Generation is Looking For.
Combat Isolation with Intentionality
It is usually uncomfortable when we do something we aren’t used to doing. I’ve heard it said that in life, we can choose to experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. You can decide now to cultivate a rich life, seek out discipleship, or be willing to disciple others and find a way to be in community and invest in someone. Or, you can create a void — hold back, refrain, don’t get out of your comfort zone.
I’ve seen how loneliness can make men angry or reactive. It can lead to mental health issues when you have no outlet to process the hard parts of life. It can lead to identity struggles feeling useless or valueless. Or, you can combat isolation with intentionality now.
The psalmist, fed by his tears both day and night, cries out in several ways,
“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?”
“Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning…”
“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?”
This is the reality all men can face. Yet even in his lament, this psalmist recognizes, “My soul thirsts for God.” He remembers going “to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise.”
The Church is where we turn, not just the building but the people. Form connections there with men of your Church who will point you back to God in difficult times. It takes time. Sometimes it’s hard. It’s worth it.
Resources:
“Touch Some Grass” and Boost Mental Health: Resources for The Languishing Pastor | Noble Warriors
TNM – VIRTUAL EVENT RICHMOND | Noble Resources
Jarrod Jones – Keynote Audio | Noble Resources
How I Live And Lead With Mental Illness | Jarrod Jones
They’ve Been Friends for 60 Years. Lew and Bobby Have Figured Out What Most Men Don’t. | WSJ
How to Cure the Epidemic of Loneliness | World News Group
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?[b]
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation[c] 6 and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.